Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Is this the longest 9 days EVER or what?! Blood test is Wednesday and today is Monday. Heads up: Gina and I may not tell y’all asap just to let ourselves have a little private time with whatever the news is. We won’t keep you waiting too long, though. Promise!

It Takes a Village
Many of you have left vmails, emails and texts sharing with me/us your prayers and imagery of implantation. We love it! We know the cumulative efforts of all of you are making a difference. My friend Jen called me on her birthday (with that big gorgeous special moon) and told me she’s imagining and visualizing juicy, bloody, rich, deep implantation. How’s that for specific?! Now, days later, you all can imagine a little human(s) being created in a small bubble (the amnion) with the beginnings of a spine, a tail and a cardiovascular system. So small, about 5 of them could fit inside the space of this period (.). Trip out, right?

Your Questions
Many of you have asked how I am feeling, what I’ve been doing to keep busy and how we feel about twins. So, here’s the whattup. Not in that order.

Twins or ?
Many of you are asking how we feel about twins and whether you should be praying and visualizing twins. While our fantasy of twins seem awesome, the reality seems a bit daunting. And so we ask that you simply pray (or hope or whatever you do) for highest good, for what wants to happen. If two babies want to come to us, we have big open hearts and know it’ll all work out perfectly. We will be ecstatic about either a singleton or two.

The Doin’s
Well, the first three days I was on bedrest as you know. Then I had acupuncture (my first outing as you may remember). Since then I have continued to take it easy.

Post bed-rest I’ve watched a bunch of documentaries and set up my netflix queue for the next 3 years. I loaded up and started reading more on my Kindle. I’m currently addicted to learning everything I can about MLK, Maya Angelou and Nelson Mandela. I got photos of all of them for my alter. Not sure why this sudden craving but there it is and so I’m goin’ with it.

By the week’s end, we ventured out a bit more. We ate BBQ and I used a Groupon at Pistalls to get some plants for our terrarium. Saturday we cleaned house a tiny bit (nothing too strenuous) and then headed out for the best burger in town and later to look at art in galleries in The Pearl. We hit our favorite place first, Bullseye Gallery. It’s an amazing glass gallery and this time there were large installation pieces from freshly graduated students- a real treat. One piece is pictured here below; the viewer is invited to take one little, already-made origami boat and place it in the installation piece. Well, I just couldn’t help myself. I figured this was a lovely moment to pay tribute to my two tiny passengers (this adorable term was coined by dear friend, story + word guru Pema Teeter). So, being one who almost always breaks the rules (sorry, Mom), I picked up two little boats and placed them side by side on the installation piece. I said a little prayer and there they stay.

My Two Tiny Passengers

My Tinies in a sea of others....

Later, still in the gallery, Gina headed upstairs (something that is not yet on the “allowable list of things to do” for me). I waited downstairs. There was a really nice comfy couch and suddenly I found myself very sleepy. Those who know me know that I’m not prone to napping, much less in public in the middle of the day. But there I lay, for a good 20 minutes, asleep on the couch in the art gallery! Of course, I hoping that level of fatigue is a good sign.

Later still, we had a St. Patty’s day party to attend. By 6pm we were home to lock up the chickens and I was in my comfys and curled up warm. That was a big day for me after the previous week’s bedrest.

Sunday I made a yummy breakfast (mostly made yummy by bacon, our chickens’ eggs and warm buttermilk biscuits), Gina cleaned some and we played a good game of chess. We had a friend’s 40th birthday party to attend that day and there were hundreds of babies there. Okay, maybe not hundreds but it sure felt like it! I kissed them all and rubbed their heads. I swear those babies were looking at me differently. As if they could see the energy of my tiny passengers growing inside me. Again, we headed home early and I tucked in to my warm comfys.

In between all that activity, I allow myself to move slow, nothing sudden fast or loud. We once had a chinese doc keep me on bedrest for the entire two weeks. We did that twice but I happened to not get preggers either time. While we are not doing that this time, we are keeping with the spirit of “incubation”: quiet, warm and still.

I’ve kept my mind a bit busy by working on a little craft project at home. Again, those who know me know that I am not a crafty girl. But, one day, laying all blissed-out in acupuncture, I was feeling immense gratitude for the team of people that have been primary contributors and supporters to us along our journey–from health care providers to friends listening, supporting and praying. Then I got this image of a bouquet of flowers with each person represented. So, before we went in for the transfer, I got all the supplies and worked on it slowly over the last week. By today, one week post transfer, I finished it. I just love it! It makes me so happy to pass by it all day.

Fertility Team Bouquet

Some of you share a flower... you are all in good company!

The Feelin’
On to the question “How are you feeling?”

When I answer this question, I realize there are two parts. One is how my mind is. The other is my body. The two are so intertwined it ultimately becomes a very difficult question to answer.

My mind can really do a number. Hoping, wanting, waiting. Longing. As my friend Kerry so eloquently said today, “Limbo is my form of hell.” Here, here, sister. And this is the most intense waiting I’ve ever known. Even after all these years of having to do this wait (and maybe even because of it), this time is more intense than ever. I also wonder will there be one? Two? If I am pregnant will it stick? Can my body hold it? Will I get so lucky? Will I be able to believe it? I think about it all the time. Every few minutes, really. Even in the middle of the night when I wake up and roll over, I think about it. It’s never not with me.

I listen to guided imagery and affirmation audio by Bellruth Napertak every morning and night. It’s making a HUGE difference in keeping me sane, pretty calm (considering) and focused on the positive.

I have a lot of pregnancy symptoms. I mean, a lot. BUT in the IVF classes we attended the nurses and docs warned us to not get thrown by that… the hormone shots I am on and the estridol pills I’m swallowing can simulate pregnancy symptoms. And so, the aching boobs, the increased intensity of smells (hair product, beef, Gina’s chapstick), the bloated belly, crampy uterus, and yes, even that random nap in the art gallery, could all mean nothing. Enter The Mind going nutty again and we have a full circle.

So, that’s how I am.

I have a busy day again tomorrow. More acupuncture, a work trip out to Nike and new clients in the evening. That’s good. I’ll hopefully go to sleep early and when I wake up it’ll be Wednesday. Test day. Thank God.

I can’t thank you enough for being with us in this way on this crazy, wonderful journey.

Likely I won’t write again until we have results. Until then we wait, wait, wait.

See you on the flip side.

Big love,

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