Intense bedrest phase is officially over and we did great!
It took a small village, though, that’s for sure. Gina was amazing. And I didn’t do so bad myself, either. I followed instructions really well (even when part of me wanted something different). Being served breakfast and lunch and whatever else by friends was humbling (and odd) to say the least but incredibly good for rounding out the rough edges of that same old theme I keep coming up against: surrender and receive. It’s incredible how vulnerable that part was.
By last night (Wednesday night) I was absolutely STIR CRAZY- so much so I began moaning! My body ached from laying so still and the hair on the back of my head hurt from rubbing the pillow for days. My mind was tired of reading, watching netflix and playing games on my iphone that I couldn’t focus on much. I had this fantasy that I’d finish a nice long book, I’d be super rested–in some ways a vacation of sorts. It wasn’t like that at all. Instead, I was really working getting those little buggers to implant!
Since I wasn’t allowed to do stairs I stayed in one room (other than the bathroom and then our bedroom to sleep). We’ve been having record breaking lows here in Portland so I’ve had the heater on. But at one point, I wanted fresh air so Gina opened the window; I was shocked to smell the cold and the rain, to hear the birds singing, chickens crooning, wind blowing. After just 2.5 days. I couldn’t help but think about people locked up for years.
Waking up this morning and being able to shower and walk downstairs was like heaven! I looked out all our windows and inside our home with new eyes.
The Work of Implantation
Besides being diligent about not moving, getting up, using my legs or stomach muscles (this means not stretching to reach for something or lifting my computer off my lap, or grab a passing kitty), I did a variety of useful things that helped me pass the time. I listened to this really great CD that my acupuncturists gave me that brought me through very cool visualizations of fertilization and implantation. I looked at lots of videos on youtube to see as many implantation images as I could find. I read all kinds of things from iphone apps to books I have on these first few days of creation. No matter how much I saw, read and did though, I STILL don’t know what’s going on inside me. And so there were times I really did just surrender and didn’t worry about doing all the right things. I just watched TV and let go.
On one hand I have to just be with the “not knowing”, on the other hand, there is a part of me the KNOWS deeply that this worked. However you slice it, I have a feeling it’s going to be a long week waiting for the final word.
What About the other Embryos?
Many of you are curious about the other embryos. We chose to freeze them for future use (either if this go doesn’t work and/or if we want another child(ren). The embryologists told me that they only freeze embryos that are really high quality. They typically wait one more day after the transfer (day 6) to see which make the cut. In the end, we had 2 frozen. The rest are destroyed. That’s about all there is to say about that.
I haven’t been tracking or logging all my dreams here but suffice to say that each night I’ve been dreaming baby dreams. Last night, I dreamt my friend Rhona was very pregnant and in labor. My sister, Diana and friend JJK were there…I was helping Rhona swim underwater in a pool. Projection? Hope so!
I head in to acupuncture today (Thursday). My first venture out of the house since Monday. It’s only been a few days of being inside but it feels like a month and so I wonder what it will be like to drive.
My uterus is lightly crampy on and off. Caitlin tells me that’s normal and to stay hydrated (which I am beyond belief). I imagine it’ll just be like this for a while.
For now, we stay busy. I’ll still lay low for the next week or so but at least we have a few birthday parties and things to keep us and our minds busy.
Thank you for your candles, calls, texts, emails, prayers and love. I say this every time (and every time it’s even more true)… it all makes such a difference.